mecp blog

Ashley's Blog of Office Humor-y Goodness

Career Day

clock August 19, 2010 01:52 by author Overlord

Today we had a group of kids here for career day. I'm not sure why any kid would want to be a copywriter, but a dozen showed up eager to learn more. Judging by the underdeveloped boys with high-pitched voices, I'm guessing they were seventh- or eighth-graders  Kate assigned the group to Brian. I volunteered but she just gave me that are-you-insane look and told Brian he'd be doing it. And the kids loved him. Somehow - I have no idea how - he made the group think our job was glamorous, exciting, and fun. He's a super-talented salesman. He almost made me want to work here. Almost.

After Brian's spiel the kids were encouraged to roam and ask questions. I was feeding Lucky Cricket #68 a piece of bagel moistened with Mtn. Dew. It's one of my experiments. I wanted to see if the sugar and caffeine would make him chirp faster. As Lucky Cricket gobbled down his test meal, a proto-Sherly-type girl stopped by my desk and asked me why I wasn't working. I ignored her. She then said maybe she should ask my boss. Stupid girl. I picked up Lucky Cricket and put him on her shirt. She screamed and did a little oh-my-god-there's-a-bug-on-me dance and violently brushed Lucky away.

She ran to the other side of the office yelling something. I tuned out and I searched for Lucky. Appropriately, the girl ended up at Sheryl's desk. While Sheryl explained to the girl what a horror of a person I was, a half-dozen boys, in an attempt to impress the hot copywriter chick (me) searched the area for Lucky. The girls were all huddled around Pete's desk shrieking for his protection (he was busy playing online poker) while Annabel sat at her desk doodling elves or something.

The noise got Kate's attention and she walked in, trying to assess the situation. She glared at me and announced there were snacks and sodas in the breakroom. The office cleared and I found Lucky chirping wildly in the bottom of my wastebasket. I scribbled in my cricket research book, "Mtn. Dew results - promising."
 

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Paint, Ebooks, and a Bagel Sandwich

clock June 6, 2010 03:07 by author Overlord

It's been almost two months since I wrote in this thing. Impossible. I'm slacking.

The office was painted last weekend. New blinds were put in and it almost feels homey. No, it doesn't. The paint is off-white, the blinds are more off, and the place really stinks. But I don't care because I'm walking on sunshine ... whoa-oh. We only have to sell a few hundred more books and we will have crossed the line where publishers pay attention. Of course we aren't selling out to them even though they "have a bigger machine to promote our books with and they can put them in every bookstore in America." Um, what's a bookstore? 

The company got some big woo-hoo contracts so we're actually having to work. Not a problem. Advertising is one of the easiest things to write.  I did an ad script last night while talking on the phone and eating a bagel sandwich. I'll be picking lettuce, garlic bits, and poppy seeds out of my computer keyboard for weeks. Some people aren't as talented. It's funny watching Sheryl write. She takes all day. She first writes it longhand crossing big things out with angry strokes of her pen and tearing pages off violently. She then enters it on the computer and reworks it a couple dozen times. She swears. Turns off the computer. Looks at her watch fretfully. Goes to get more coffee. Gets a scone. Mows that down and then goes at it again. Eventually she gets it, saves it, prints it and reads it. She sighs and starts with the pen again. Kate comes to get it from her and she says it's not right yet. Kate says just print what you got. She does and Kate sends it upstairs. It doesn't help that I'm always giggling at her.

The paint fumes are getting to me. I'm going to the park ... um, I mean supply office. Toodles.

 

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Identity Vacuum

clock April 12, 2010 11:26 by author Overlord

The big talk in the office this week is the new coffee maker. That's right.  A coffee maker. It sorta appeared out of nowhere and most assume the boss is trying to make us work harder by pumping large doses of caffeine into us. But it's more than just the coffee maker that's getting everyone excited. It's the hot barista that came with it. Sigh. I wish. He only exists in my mind. Anyway, so here we have this new coffee maker and all kinds of designer coffees to go with it. We've had it a week. Strange things are happening.
 
All the desks now have fancy coffee mugs full of steaming coffee on them instead of sticky gas station cups or cans of vending-machine sodas. In fact, the desks are neater. Organized. Clean.  When I came in to work this morning Annabel and Brian were sipping coffee and nibbling on scones. Sheryl had a muffin. Muffins and scones? Dear lord. What happened to donuts and Egg McMuffins? What happened to my coworkers? Sheryl traded in her plastic Shoe Farm shoes for Birkenstocks. The fridge is full of bottled water and organic yogurt. Kate and Annabel are discussing global warming and sustainable energy. And I think I heard someone use the word "vegan."

Pete and I just watch and laugh under our breath. We never imagined they'd turn so fast.   As I've said before, it's so easy.
I wonder what will happen when we bring in the juicer? I'm thinking spandex and sports bras.

 

 

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White Noise

clock January 25, 2010 10:44 by author Overlord

This office is mind-numbingly blah. It's beige. The only sound is the whirring of computer fans and clicking of keyboard keys. The air smells of toner and people's recirculated breath. No flowers, no mown grass, no bread baking, not even stinky dog poo. I would take stinky dog poo over this. This is sensory deprivation. It's like those people who were put in rooms with blindfolds and white noise for hours and hours. And guess what happened. THEY WENT CRAZY! I need to get out of here. But I haven't been given any errands to do. I'm being punished for the flies episode. What does Kate expect me to do all day to entertain myself? If I can't pick on Sheryl then I'm really in trouble.

I think I could work a lot better in a bar. Should I approach Kate with the idea? Maybe I should just make my desk seem like a bar. Get a bowl of peanuts, an ashtray, some empty beer bottles. Put up some beer signs, a stuffed mounted rat head.

I hate this place.

 

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Is that a Maggot?

clock January 7, 2010 13:26 by author Overlord

       It's been an interesting week. We were doing some photographing for one of our projects.  One of the photos required the use of maggots. Annabel was kind enough to bring them to work in a little cup.  She owns some lizardy thing that eats them. After we were finished with them I left them on Sheryl's desk. I think the lid was loose and they may have tipped over. Oops. In the morning when I walked in, Annabel and Brian were trying to calm Sheryl down while they collected the maggots from various places on her desk. They found 17. Only 83 got away. Sheryl was all "Oh my God!" and "I'm going to KILL her!" and "I can't work with her anymore!" Kate made me apologize. 

     Now we have flies. Eighty-three flies on our bodies, our food and our computer screens. We've killed a dozen or so and a few have escaped into the halls and possibly found their way down the elevator, through the lobby and out the front door. They're the lucky ones. They could have been lizard lunch. Sheryl is slowly forgetting about the whole incident. That's why every now and then I walk past her and focus on a spot in the corner of her desk, as if I see something crawling on it. She freaks out all over again. It's just too easy.

 

 

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Eating Crows

clock November 10, 2009 07:41 by author Overlord

Halloween is over. It's all so sad. I came in on a weekend because Kate wanted all the Halloween "junk" out of the office. (She seems grumpier than usual.) Sigh. I sadly removed the spiders and webbing and depressing rotting pumpkins. I might as well write my blog since I'm here. It'll give me a reason to come in late tomorrow morning or take a really long lunch. (Yeah, I know I already do that.)

Halloween was fun and I have enough candy to keep me happy for a long time. Brian and I dumped everything on our desks and compared our loot. No one wanted to go with us but boy, when they saw the candy they were all like ... can I have a candy bar? Go read The Little Red Hen and you'll know my answer. We traded what we didn't like and left the things neither of us wanted in our desk candy bowls. You know the stuff ... hard candy, old Easter candy, and candy with torn wrappers and suspiscious needle pricks. I'm not getting many takers.

Thanksgiving is the next biggy. Wondering what bird I'll eat this year. I've tried duck, goose, squab, chicken (cornish hen, capon and regular), turkey and pheasant. I'm running out of birds to eat. I was thinking maybe quail. Or crow. I would love to tell people I have really eaten crow. I'd have to get around the whole shooting in city limits thing. Maybe I could trap one. Or maybe I'll talk to my farm friends. If they can bring me squirrel and muddy old carp, I'm sure they can snag me a crow. I'm having guests, better make it more than one. What do you think? One crow per person? What do you stuff crow with? Or do you? I'll have to do some internet research. I'm sure someone has put up recipes and side dishes that are appropriate. Stale bread and gruel?

Woo-hoo! The internet rocks. Cool crow site!

I'm going home now. With all the Halloween stuff down this place is back to depressing. Later.

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It's Halloween, Binky...BOO!

clock October 26, 2009 12:49 by author Overlord

Brian and I came in early today to put up Halloween decorations. Maureen was already here. Huh. When I asked why she was here so early she said (in a very grumpy voice by the way) that she was always here at 7:30. We ran into Juan in the hallway. Huh. I didn't know anyone was here this early. We wanted to surprise everyone. Guess we should have come earlier. But that would mean like 6:30. No one needs to be surprised that much.

We hung spiders and bats from the ceiling and sprayed everything with spider-web-in-a-can. I got a little carried away around Sheryl's desk. Oops. We're having a pumpkin carving contest today. We set up a table in the corner with pumpkins, spoons, knives, and newspaper. I brought the electric knife my dad uses on the Thanksgiving turkey. It's my secret weapon. Shhh. I brought my bowl with a disembodied hand that grabs you when you try to take candy. It's only funny when small children freak out and run screaming down the hall. Like little Binky, John's daughter. (No, her real name is Flora.  I call her Binky.  She was sucking on the things till she was five. She deserves the name. No one else thinks the name's funny. Not even John. Not Flora. They tell me her name is Flora and seem really angry when I say Binky. John doesn't bring her here anymore. Binky's afraid of bowls full of candy. And Halloween. And dark rooms. And closets...)

Brian's the only one around here with a holiday spirit. Friday is our Halloween party. No one seems to care about Halloween anymore. Friday I'm going to every office with my Halloween bag and begging for candy. Every office has candy. I figure five floors with 20 offices per floor...that's a hundred treats. And some offices have lots of desks and they all have candy. Brian's coming with me. Annabel isn't interested but agreed to dress up and meet us at night to go out. Pete isn't dressing up but will always party. Sheryl laughed. Said something about being childish. Yeah, as opposed to being an old hag. I get that. Kate was too busy to bother now that the holiday season is upon us. (That would be the minor holidays, Christmas and Thanksgiving.) So it's just Brian and me. He is the only one who understands. I'm dressing as Lillian Munster. I'm going to need a wig. And a lily.

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Writer's Block

clock October 12, 2009 09:23 by author Overlord

I can't write. I'm blocked. DO YOU HEAR ME? I'm unable to write anything. I'm panicking, freaking, melting down. If I can't write, I can't write my blog, my novel, my screenplay, my very powerful and convincing ad copy. I have to write this friggin' blog every friggin' week or Kate will assign it to ... gasp... Sheryl. Or worse, she'll write it herself. Kate only writes things with perfect English, no explitives or inuendo. Who wants to read that crap? I KNOW! I've gazed at my gazing ball, I've hung crystals around my neck. I've asked lucky cricket #44 for help. I've played Trogdor the Burninator and Solitaire to calm my nerves. I've watched reruns of Munsters and Gilligan's Island. I've walked, shopped, screamed and slapped myself repeatedly. But IT'S NOT WORKING.

Okay, okay, I must stay calm. It's all in my head right? My brain has not been damaged...okay, maybe a few thousand cells or so the other night...but not enough that my basic personality has changed or disappeared. I'm the same person that wrote my blogs and ad copy and very successful soap opera, Wily and Wonderful just one little week ago. I'm losing it. Am I losing it? OMG! Am I getting old like Sheryl and losing my playful and creative youth? No, my boobs are still perky. I don't do embroidery in the restroom over lunchtime. Calm down Ash ... you can get through this.

Maybe I'm sick. Maybe bacteria are multiplying and clogging up my creative flow. Maybe my yin and yang aren't balanced...maybe my chi is blocked. Maybe I need to rearrange my desk to face the north. Maybe someone stole my voodoo doll and is using it on me. Maybe stars and planets are aligning or misaligned. It's all so out of my control and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

Someone needs to pay. That's what I need. I need to take this pent-up energy out on something ... or ... some ONE. I need to attack a fellow co-worker...no, I might get fired again. Don't they know they can't fire me. I'm Ashley friggin' Brookes. My father is a founder. You can't friggin' fire me. I'm going to have to get drunk. Or bite the head off a bat (oh stop it you stupid animal rights people, I'm being dramatic ... bats don't even taste good). Maybe someone can hypnotize me or knock me out or remove a tumor or vestigial body part. Maybe I just need to get more vitamin B or selenium or Co-something. Do I need electroshock, a lobotomy, antidepressants, Ritalin ... no wait, I'm already taking that. I know ... it's a food allergy or a hypersensitivity to Pete's cologne ... no, wait ... I love his cologne. It's really nice cologne. Focus, Ash. FOCUS. Don't let the turkeys get you down. Measure twice cut once. She sells sea shells ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I'm feeling much better now.

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Lucky Cricket No. 43

clock September 25, 2009 06:03 by author Overlord

Uh-oh. My lucky cricket number 43 has had an accident. Don't look. No really, I said don't. Oh my God, 43. What happened? Your leg is...is...gone. Did you eat it 43? Oh. No. You didn't. There it is. That can't be good.

Number 43 is my 43rd lucky cricket. (I know, duh. What else would he be?) I'd be in bad shape without him and his 42 predecessors. Crickets are my muses. Without them I couldn't write. Or hula-hoop (special muse dispensation). I really take good care of them. I feed them super good cricket food. I put them by the window for fresh air. They always have water from the pond outside because its more natural. I used to put cricket dust on them. I thought it kept away cricket mites or made them smell better. When I found out the ugly truth (they really should make that more clear on the packaging) - that dust is for what eats the crickets (shudder) - I washed it off with soap and water. Oops. Others met their own special demises. Some weren't happy and I just had to let them go, lest my karma be completely screwed up. One met with foul play. Yeah, you're right, it was more like ten. I love hearing crickets chirping, but other people ... don't. A few just fell asleep and drifted up to cricket heaven leaving their crispy little carcasses behind. And then there was the hot coffee incident. Gruesome.

Could some evil cricket-hating meany (Sheryl) have pulled the leg off number 43? Maybe it just fell off from some gangrenous injury Maybe 43 just pulled it off. But number 43 seemed very happy, so why such self-mutilating behavior? Maybe it was just a psychotic behavior like people who pull out their own hair. I think I need to go outside and set him free. I'm not sure if his musing powers are as strong without six legs. I'll have to find another cricket fast. At least before my next blog is due. Because without my muse, these blogs would really suck.

 

 

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Goldfish, Oreos, and Chicken Skin

clock September 13, 2009 14:18 by author Overlord
The thing about blogs is that there isn't always something profound to write about. Yeah, okay. I'm never profound. There's too much profundity out there. Sometimes you just need drivel. Good old fashioned there's-really-nothing-to-talk-about-in-this-office-so-I-will-bore-you-with-random-thoughts-that-spill-from-my-head drivel. Like, for example:

I'm eating Goldfish crackers. I love these cheesy little carp. Earlier, Pete was watching me. I asked him why and he said I ate them funny. Not funny. I just don't put whole handfuls in my mouth at a time. Oink. I am a LADY. I put them vertically between my top and bottom incisors and split them in half, front from back. Everyone that is not a pig eats them that way. Duh. It's like Oreos. Everyone pulls them apart. They've even made the pull-apart-method into some really stupid commercials where we are forced to watch people's saliva-soaked tongues lick off the frosting like a dog. Mega eww. Don't they know the frosting comes off in a neat little patty if you're careful? I eat mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in a similar way. I freeze them first, always. Then I bite the top half off. Next I nibble the chocolate bottom and sides off to leave a nice little pellet of frozen peanut butter insides. I don't agree with Reese's that the two flavors taste great together. I eat the chocolate kiss off of peanut butter cookies too, in case that was your next question.

Of course you always eat fried chicken skin first. Actually I don't bother with the slimy chicken. Crunchy, fat-soaked bread crumbs are delicious and satisfying all by themselves. Yum. I'm getting hungry. Cake...always frosting first and leave the inside. I don't like cake. T-bone steaks...all the crunchy fat and the tenderloin...yeah, the rest of the meat I leave for the dog and then chew off the bone myself. Fuits and veggies aren't much fun except maybe grapes. Grapes you gotta peel and eat the skin and then eat the inside. Oh, and carrots - I chew off the outside and leave the core to eat last. Of course the artichoke is one of my absolute faves. Each leaf is individually plucked and dipped in butter for maximum fat coverage.

I could go on with lobster and crab legs but it would be all too Flashdance-at-the-restaurant. So I will spare the guys and end this blog, avoiding the "hot" foods category (which of course includes strawberries and ice cream cones.)

 (DON'T FORGET OUR CAPTION CONTEST!...SEE PREVIOUS ENTRY)

 

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